I’ve been really deep in my posses head lately. It seems too personal to share, feels futile to talk about, as well as is just encompassing as well as overwhelming.
I started my new job with the hope as well as excitement that all of us start new employment opportunities with. I knew when I took the position (as it’s the same position as my last hell gig) that it is not something I desire to do with my life. Hell, it’s not something I particularly enjoy, as well as it is not personally fulfilling in any way. But it got me back into the nonprofit world. A world with meaning. A world where the mission gives back, even if the work does not.
I was right. The mission does give back some. The dysfunction is also mind boggling. I am constantly astounded by the way things “work” here. I know that being more involved in direct program work would manufacture a world of difference in my tolerance of the chaos, as well as I did come to this place because of the fact that there shall be room on behalf of movement with time. But, right now, I don’t know quite how to process it all as well as manufacture it a positive thing. I’m not good at rolling with it, as well as feeling this enormous sense of being disheartened is making every small chaotic explosion that occurs something much, much bigger to me.
I’m frozen with the sense: This can’t be all. This is not all there is. I desire to do more than this.
I don’t feel cut off from possibility. It’s the opposite—I find the amount of possibility out there overwhelming. I don’t trust myself to opt on behalf of well, or opt on behalf of correctly. None of my big Make A Huge Change plans have worked out. I’ve learned a lot of really valuable lessons, as well as I know that life is a series of steps—not a destination point—but I would really like to start proceeding with less major lessons as well as more day-to-day happiness as well as confidence. Does that happen?
I’ve been having this conversation on behalf of years. What next? What now? How do I choose? I’m tired of having it with myself. I think others are tired of hearing it from me. More as well as more when I endeavour to talk out loud about it, I feel like I’m faced with others’ judgment as well as interpretations, as well as not supported by people who actually hear me or desire to help me sort it through. “People manufacture life changes all of the time. There’s no reason you can’t just start over.”  (Is it really that easy?) “You haven’t liked a job on behalf of as long as I’ve known you. I don’t even think you liked one before I knew you.” (So I decide not to like my work, or I create bad workplace situations?) “You just require to transfer back residence as well as do this or do that!” (As much as it would be lovely to be closer to you, as well as as attractive as that sometimes sounds, it won't solve my problems.) “If you moved someplace with a lower cost of living…” (Cost of living is irrelevant. I still don’t know what I desire to do. And, I reside on the super cheap.) Maybe I’ve talked about it too much. Maybe it’s just my defensiveness. Maybe it’s just that I’m so stuck.
There is so much possibility. How do I take a possibility as well as manufacture it possible? And what if it all goes wrong? And where do I find the time to research the possibility as well as start moving forward? “Making” time isn’t simple.
Round as well as round I go, a whirlpool in my head, tiredness in my body, as well as reaching to find a piece that I can call a foundation to start building my Next upon.